well i am at about 145 which i am happy about considering i am making it through the holidays etc without gaining...  i think it is stress to tell you the truth... A lot is going on in my life, my family's life, my marriage, and my parents marriage, and my dad's business.. All sorts of stuff... So lately my stomach has been in a complete knot and i haven't had any kind of appetite and i have been a frantic, complete nervous wreck... i have been through some bad depression this wk, but i am better today and figured i would post since i haven't in so long.. Merry Christmas everyone!!! 

sucks.. I am scared and i don't want to go through a divorce....I have been married for almost 4 yrs and i have been trying and praying and trying and praying to make it work, we have been to counselors and everything etc... Long story short, it has recently gotten physical again, there is lots of verbal abuse, mental abuse, everything.. We have a 2 yr old son and i have always thought it would be best to stay together for him, b/c he loves it when mommy and daddy are together, when we have been separated, he usually doesn't sleep well etc... So i always go back.. but lately i REALLY REALLY SEE the effects of our behavior on our son.. he is acting out, fighting at daycare, and just not himself, every day is getting worse... And i am scared to be alone, it is a big fear of mine, but i am ready to separate long term this time...  I realized last night how much my husband gets mad at me just for being me.. He doesn't like the way i eat, he doesn't like the way i put on my make up, he doesn't like the way i drive, he doesn't like the way i order my food at restaurants, for ex: Like yesterday at IHOP i couldn't decide if i wanted coffee or hot cocoa, so i got both, and that pissed him off cuz it was an extra $2 we didn't have to spend... Anyway, point being, he gets mad at me when i get excited about things b/c he thinks i should be mature and he thinks i make our son too hyper when i do those kind of things.. he doesn't like the way it takes me a while to get around in mornings, he thinks i should be mature and just get up and be happy... He doesn't like the way i clean his house, he doesn't like the way i do his laundry, he doesn't like the way i do his dishes...  Everything i do, even when i am helping him, he doesn't like it and he always has a better way to do things, and everything i do anything, i get a LONG lecture about how i should do it the way he wants me to b/c that is a better way...  We went out of town this wkend to go see the big 12 championship in san antonio, and we went with friends, and they are mutual/neutral friends, Lindsey's husband works with my husband, and i walked on egg shells all wkend and me n andy didn't fight, but just in his normal conversation to me, she said she was scared for me b/c she could tell he didn't respect me at all in the way he talked to me.. Now by all means i know i am not perfect and it does take 2, but i am not perfect and every time i mess up about anything, i get punished with yelling and cussing, or lately even physical abuse...  I am done with that and i am tired of that.. my husband NEVER tells me i am pretty, but everyone else does.....  And that hurts b/c he is the only one i want to hear it from...  I am better than that....  The scariest part of this all is my life is going to be completely changed and i NEVER wanted my son to grow up with parents that aren't together, but i can't let him be in the middle of all this any longer.. it is bad.... And i am not going to jump into a divorce, but i am separating.... My husband has problems from his childhood and his past, he was abused, neglected, molested, and he NEVER worked through his childhood and now it is damaging his marriage and family he has now.. And i truly believe he first has to go work through that and get help with all of that before we can even think about working on a marriage.. But to him, he doesn't have any problems and he doesn't need any help.. So hopefully he may realize it now.. Well love you guys and here goes another fresh start, another new journey in my life, and i am scared!!! And it is Christmas, and i will be alone for Christmas... 

well i have been off the diet pills for a couple wks now..  i was really scared at first and took some stacker 3's at thnxgiving.. but then i remembered how i would lay in bed at night not being able to sleep with my husband sound asleep next to me, and my heart pounding so hard with me just laying there doing nothing.. My body and my emotions have been through so much through all the pills i have taken the last 6 yrs and i just have wanted to stop... I have been lazy the past wk, it has just been so cold and i just want to bundle up with a blanket.. ANYWAY, i have maintained, but not lost anymore... So i am really going to try and do my work out routine today - friday and fast...  Fasting to me seems easier than taking pills at this point, and it seems healthier!!!  We are leaving Friday after work to head to san antone and will be there all wkend with some friends and going to the big 12 championship game (go sooners).. So i will really have to be careful and restrict.  There will be lots of going out to eat and crap, but i am going to just eat light, and i am still drinking a ton of water only...  So that's where i have been

hey everyone.. Does anyone know what happened to momma_mia??  Her profile is erased and that is totally cool and understandable.. I just want to make sure she is doing okay

i am now at 140...  (5'6") and have 10 pds to go to my 1st goal which was 130 pds...  and even now i feel like i need to be 120, so maybe i have 20 pds to go... But i still am happy i am close to my 1st gw...  

i screwed up today and ate... My work was so so stressful and crazy, and i was a nervous wreck, so yeah i ate today..
Twizzlers:  240
cucumber sushi roll:  120 (at the most)
100 cal pack of beef jerky: 100
popcorn : 200

So total today is 660.. CRAP!!!!!!  Well i bought a new fitness magazine with some really cool ideas so i am off work tom and will be trying those all day...  Here in the past 3 wks or so it has gotten really cold around here, especially by the time i get off work, so i was running at an outdoor trail all summer, and i haven't done that in the past 3 wks, so that REALLY sucks... 

Right when i get off work i pick up my 2 yr old and pretty much am a mommy and wife all night, and really there is not much of a time frame for me to do an intense work out or do a whole lot to make sure i burn lots of calories.. So i think i am going to HAVE TO start getting up extra early in the mornings to make sure i get time for myself to fit that into my schedule....  I have trouble as it is getting out of bed, but something's gotta change...  Growing up i played basketball and ran track and have never had a problem with intense work outs, i just gotta have an hour or 2 to get them in... I really want to go to the high school football field and go up and down the bleacher stairs like we used to in b-ball.. That was great.. If i worked part time, (i will someday), i would LOVE to go to an hour class a day at a gym or something, working full time though, i really can't pick my son up from daycare and then take him to another daycare every day at the gym so i can work out, i would feel too bad doing that...  He is so excited when i pick him up and i really like to give him the 2 hrs i do have free at night.. Well i used to even walk and jog around outdoors here at work, but now it is COLD.. So there ya go, looks like i will have to get my butt OUT OF BED in the mornings and HIT IT HARD....  For those of you who haven't been reading my posts, i recently quit taking all the many diet pills i have been taking for the past few months, so now i really have to hit it HARD... 

But long story short with all this jibber jabber, i plan on being down 7 pds by thnxgiving... And i still plan on fasting from NOW until Thnxgiving day.. And i am not going to weigh until that morning.. B/C i have really been driving myself crazy and i want to see results!!!  

And i am BROKE and am going to have to stop by one of those stupid cash advance places and try to get some money to get by til next payday..  I am always having to pay crap back b/c i always run out of money... I was almost caught up, and now i am gonna have to get one of these, and then pay my stupid loan payments next pay period.. That's okay.. The good news is, if i don't spend money on lunch all the time, i save more money and then it helps me fast...  

ALSO, THANKS FOR BEING HERE AND THANKS FOR ALL THE PICS AND THINSPIRATION.. IT REALLY HELPS ME AND REALLY KEEPS ME FOCUSED....

We are leaving to go out of town Thnxgiving morning, next Thurs, 1 wk from today and I plan on fasting until then...  I think i can do it with healthy juices or whatever.. But that is only if i have to... During the wk at work it will be easy, the wkend might be hard if i am with my husband or friends, but i should be able to handle it...  i would like to lose at least 7 pds before we go for sure...  

My job is great, I can't complain about that at all, but the girl in the cubicle next to me drives me crazy ALL DAY, so much so, she almost makes me want to find a different job.. Gosh i don't even want to get into it.. She is such such such a suck up, she gets here like 45 minutes early every day for no reason at all except to impress the boss.. I struggle in the mornings b/c i have a toddler and i have to take him to daycare, and she has 2 kids and she doesn't even have to mess with them in the mornings b/c her mother-n-law comes over every morning and takes care of them all day...  And she is the LOUDEST LOUDEST LOUDEST person i know, when she is on the phone, and i am trying to talk to someone on my phone i can't even hear them b/c she is so loud, and she EATS EATS EATS ALL DAY.... She will eat about 2 bowls of cereal at her desk in the mornings and all i hear is chomp chomp chomp very LOUD, and then usually she will have a coke in the morning and belge, and then she will usually go get some BIG fast food meal with another Xtra large coke, and then she will belge all afternoon and say she doesn't feel good and say "I shouldn't have ate all that", and then she will have another coke in the afternoon and belge all afternoon LOUD... She actually makes me want to not eat... So b/c of her, i am pretty much miserable ALL day...

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, today is my 2nd day of being pill free for MONTHS and MONTHS...  Through this process i have lost 42 pds so far...  so i was very scared of doing this all on my own.. And yesterday went great, i only ate a small lunch and i even worked out.. And today ALL i am eating is soup at lunch... i am still drinking tons of water...  and b/c of this process, it seems i don't have much of an appetite anymore, and my stomach is smaller, so i can't eat as much when i do eat...  i just want to be healthy again, i could really tell those pills were taking a toll on my body... But i am excited to be doing it on my own now!! 

wow, i have barely ate anything all wk..  mon and tues i ate a protein bar for brkfast and that was it.. then wed i didn't have anything all day, just a couple of chips that evening.. Then Thurs i didn't eat anything at all, then last night i ate a couple of bites of spaghetti and that's it, and today i had 1/2 bag of animal crackers so far.. I am going to see fam tonight so i might have to eat a small portion of something.. I have been on the wk trial of lida, and it has completely stopped any cravings or hunger what so ever.. i will end them on sunday, so hopefully through this all i hope to have lost 5-10 pds.. Although it has been quite a roller coaster on these pills with headaches/numbness/and feelings i have never felt before, supposively you are supposed to be sure and eat regularly on them, but i can't get myself to, b/c every time i put something in my mouth i take it out b/c i have no hunger or cravings.. Now, don't get me wrong, i am not always this disciplined, just these pills have made me feel totally different this wk.. Although i am ready for this trial pack to be over, i can weigh and see how much i have lost, and then i am planning on staying on track without pills..  which i think i can do... Guys i have around 15 pds to lose to be at my 1gw.... It is hard to finish strong.... 

i have been on months of restricting/fasting/pills, pills, pills/working out, etc..  i know once i get there, i can maintain. I have learned so much through this process and i definately don't have the same eating habits as i used to..